Christmas has changed for me in the past 35 or so years.

As a child I remember looking forward to the Christmas season with the snowfall, the music, the decorations, and the feelings of giving and warmth that would accompany that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas day…stretch it out a bit to New Year’s Eve because of Christmas Vacation.

I can’t pinpoint exactly where it changed.  Perhaps it was a gradual change, brought on by the level of maturity and responsibility that grows on you as you enter adulthood and parenthood.  Maybe it was caused by a period in my life (1991 to 1994) when I wasn’t in the best of situations and was rather…unsettled.  (A period of my life you’ll seldom hear me talk about). It could also have been the sudden realization during that time that I alone was responsible for making fun/happy/exciting Christmas at that time and I failed. For that I can only apologize because I was in a very bad position back then.

Whatever the reason, Christmas no longer holds that magical, endearing quality for me. The background music that is played at work seldom evokes those feelings of wonderment that used to pervade my mind and heart at sound of those memory-filled melodies. I could never understand it when, as a child, I would hear my mother complain about the approaching Christmas season and how she hated it.Back then it didn’t make sense to me how a time of such happiness could be looked down upon. As an adult, however, I now see why she would lament the coming of the season.

About 25 years ago I had the cool idea to make a Christmas Card in the form of an audio tape for my grandparents, who had just moved down to Florida. My intent was to get interviews and well-wishes from various family members on tape and intersperse them with Christmas songs. As well-intentioned as it was, by the time I got to recording greetings and then putting the music together it got to be a bigger project than I had envisioned. As I sat in my living room in Genesee, MI with dozens of Christmas albums surrounding me it dawned on me: “Why not just make a Christmas tape”? At that moment the project changed. I then went about programming a C-120 (120 minutes, 60 minutes per side) tape. I even wrote a list on my Commodore 64 to keep track of the tunes so that there weren’t too many vocals or instrumentals in a row, too many novelty songs, or the same song within the last 6 or so songs. It was a masterpiece.Since then I’ve duplicated that tape at least 50 times (and sometimes multiple copies for individuals) and it has become The Staple of my holiday listening.

Some people don’t call it Christmas until the first snow, until a certain tradition takes place, or a certain Christmas special airs on TV. For me, it’s the damn Christmas tape. But I can’t find that damn tape anywhere…and that’s having an affect on my enjoyment of Christmas.

The hype starts so early any more (around Halloween) that by the time Thanksgiving rolls around you’re tired of hearing about it. There are plans that need to be made and, as much as I’d like to, I am not always able to accommodate everyone. The logistics of trying to get all of the kids together and, at the same time, avoid an unpleasant confrontation with the custodial parent and their own self-serving agendas. (That’s where my wife comes in. She’s is great at organization and at calming the waters. Without her I wouldn’t be able to get along with ex’s as well as I do.)

Gone are the days when a certain song would invoke memories of Christmases past. Nowadays it’s the drudgery of having to get ready for Christmas that pile on the angst and the apprehension:

What if we don’t have enough money for gifts for everyone?
What if she doesn’t like what I got her?
What if we’re only able to get 2 of the kids instead of all 4 for the family get together?
When will we find time to get together with this side or that side of the family?
Will I be able to get enough time off of work?
How else can my wife’s sister piss off various family members?
When am I going to find the time to get gifts for my wife?
WHY CAN’T I FIND MY DAMN CHRISTMAS TAPE?

Aside from the kids and my wife I find it very hard to get enthused about Christmas any more. They’re all older now, so the excitement and the awe of Christmas morning isn’t what it used to be and has been replaced by “do we really have to get up before 10:00?”

Finding gifts for my wife is a very hard thing to do. She seldom expresses a need or desire for anything, so I have to be creative in trying to figure out what to get her. She “gets by” with what she already has better than any other person I know, so trying to figure out a gift for someone who seemingly needs nothing is damn difficult. I hate asking her for suggestions because it seems like I’m doing it because I can’t think of anything better, or that I don’t care enough to pay attention to things she may bring to my attention during the year that I, simply, don’t catch. I’m not much of a “read between the lines” kinda guy when it comes to this kind of stuff. (Her friend, Carrie, would find great fault in that, but fuck her. Were they to give titles for the things we’re best at she’d be the Patron Saint of Husband Bashing., followed by High Priestess of Judging Others.)

I guess what it boils down to is that a great deal of the “fun” of Christmas is no longer there and it’s now more of a chore than a time of enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong; I love spending time with friends and family…it’s just so much work and aggravation any more.

That, and I can’t find my damn Christmas tape.

22 Reasons To Never Give Up

1. As long as you are alive anything is possible
The only valid excuse you have to give up is if you are dead. As long as you are alive (and healthy and free) you have the choice to keep trying until you finally succeed.

2. Be realistic
The chance of mastering something the first time you do it is almost non-existent. Everything takes time to learn and you will make mistakes. Learn from them.

3. Michael Jordan
Arguably the best basketball player of all time. He attributes his success to all his failures. He just never gave up even when he knew he had missed over 300 shots and had missed the winning shot of the game many times. Every time he got knocked down he got back up again.

4. Lance Armstrong
Lance was diagnosed with serious cancer that had spread throughout his entire body. He had cancer cells the size of golf balls in his lungs. Despite all odds he overcame the cancer and set out to win the Tour de France 6 consecutive years in a row.

5. Muhammad Ali
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Muhammad Ali is one of the best boxers the world has ever known. He suffered only 5 losses while having 56 wins and was the first boxer to win the lineal heavyweight championship three times. This is a guy who literally knows how to get knocked down and get back up.

6. The man who created the marathon
Very long ago, an Athenian herald was sent to Sparta to get help when the Persians landed in Greece. It was said that he ran 240km in 2 days and after that he ran 40km to announce the victory of the Greeks only to collapse and die on the spot from exhaustion. If you ever feel like things are difficult, imagine what it would be like to run 240km in 2 days. (Don’t try that because you might die from it, but use it as an inspiration.)

7. Chris Gardner - The Pursuit of Happiness
Have you seen the movie The Pursuit of Happiness? It is based on the life story of Chris Gardener, a man who went for the lowest of the lows in an environment where most people would give up (no money, no job) to the highest of the highs (a millionaire with his own investment firm). If you ever think about giving up, watch this movie!

8. Kanye West
I’m pretty sure you have heard of the rapper Kanye West. Read his story. He is a big inspiration and proves that you can go from having very little to being among the most famous and respected people in the world.

9. Nelson Mandela
Campaigned for justice and freedom in his South Africa. Spent 20 years in jail for his opposition to apartheid. On release, he healed the wounds of apartheid by his magnanimous attitude toward his former political enemies.

10. You are strong
You are stronger than you think. One little setback is not enough to stop you from achieving your goals. Neither are 10 or 100 or 1000 setbacks.

11. Prove yourself
You don’t want to be known as someone that is weak and gives up. Go out there and prove yourself to the world and to yourself. You CAN and WILL achieve what you set out to do. The only time you fail is when you give up.

12. Has it been done before?
If someone else can do it then so can you. Even if it is only one other person in the world that has achieved what you have set out to achieve, that should be reason enough for you to never give up.

13. Believe in your dreams
Don’t sell yourself short. In life there are going to be many people who will try to bring you down and tell you what you want to achieve is not possible.

14. Your family and friends
Let the people you love and who mean the world to you be your inspiration to persist and persevere. Maybe you need to try a different angle, study more or practice more but don’t give up!

15. Because I tell you to
Not that I am any sort of guru or Godly figure, but if you want to give up then don’t. Just because I’m telling you not to.

16. There are people worse-off
Right now there are many people who are in a worse situation and environment than you are. Are you thinking about giving up running 5 miles a week? Think about the people who are unable to even walk and how much they would give to be able to run 5 miles every day.

17. Improve our world
When you achieve whatever you set out to achieve you can use your success to make a difference to the world or other peoples lives.

18. Get rich or die trying
Like 50 Cent says, “Get rich or die trying.” 50 Cent is rich — he made it (although he did get shot 9 times). Face your fears and don’t take the easy way out by giving up.

19. Let the haters hate
There will always be haters. There will always be plenty of people who try to tear you down. Don’t pay attention to them and don’t take what they say to heart. Let the haters hate and keep believing in yourself.

20. You deserve to be happy
Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have success. Keep that mindset and never give up until you reach your destination!

21. Inspire others
Be an inspiration to others by refusing to give up. Who knows what someone else can achieve because you never gave up and in turn inspired them not to give up.

22. You are so close
Often when you feel like you want to give up you are so close to making a huge breakthrough. You are just a heartbeat away from success.

I know not the source of this, but I read it and I was profoundly touched, as I hope you might be.  I know people who could benefit from the lesson in this missive.

Here’s why I will be a good person.  Because I listen.  I cannot talk, so I listen very well.  I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own.  People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly.  It’s like being a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.  For instance, if we met at a party and I wanted to tell you a story about the time I needed to get a soccer ball in my neighbor’s yard but his dog chased me and I had to jump into a swimming pool to escape, and I began telling the story, you, hearing the words “soccer” and “neighbor” in the same sentence, might interrupt and mention that your childhood neighbor was Pele, the famous soccer player, and I might be courteous and say, Didn’t he play for the Cosmos of New York? Did you grow up in New York? And you might reply that, no, you grew up in Brazil on the streets of Tres Coracoes with Pele, and I might say, I thought you were from Tennessee, and you might say not originally, and then go on to outline your genealogy at length.  So my initial conversational gambit – that I had a funny story about being chased by my neighbor’s dog – would be totally lost, and only because you had to tell me all about Pele.  Learn to listen! I beg of you.  Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories.

I think this makes the point rather nicely.

I blogged this, I didn’t gay blog it.

Katana Girl is my first black & grey tattoo.  I ran across the image on a website and was so taken by it that I decided I had to have it as a tattoo.  This piece, also, was done by the incredibly talented Tami Jo Urban of Time is Carving Tattoo.  To the left is the original piece of work.  To the right is the finished product.

Many thanks to my good friend Ty Tiedeman for his name suggestion for this tattoo.

For the longest time I wanted a pinup tattoo.  I also wanted a Star Trek tattoo, but one that wouldn’t scream “geek”.  The perfect solution, then was an Orion Slave Girl.  The Orion Slave girl is based on an image from Star Trek: The Experience.  It is inspired by Chase Masterson and her performance as Xela in “Star Trek: Of Gods and Men”.  The tattoo was done (again) by the incredibly talented Tami Jo Urban of Time is Carving Tattoo.

Sun done by KrisErik, then of Skin Factory Tattoo in Las Vegas, October, 2007.
This is a companion piece to my wife’s one, which is the Moon in a similar fashion.

Jukebox tattoo done by Jeremy Searcy at American Pride Tattoo in Waterford, MI.  July, 2007