Christmas has changed for me in the past 35 or so years.
As a child I remember looking forward to the Christmas season with the snowfall, the music, the decorations, and the feelings of giving and warmth that would accompany that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas day…stretch it out a bit to New Year’s Eve because of Christmas Vacation.
I can’t pinpoint exactly where it changed. Perhaps it was a gradual change, brought on by the level of maturity and responsibility that grows on you as you enter adulthood and parenthood. Maybe it was caused by a period in my life (1991 to 1994) when I wasn’t in the best of situations and was rather…unsettled. (A period of my life you’ll seldom hear me talk about). It could also have been the sudden realization during that time that I alone was responsible for making fun/happy/exciting Christmas at that time and I failed. For that I can only apologize because I was in a very bad position back then.
Whatever the reason, Christmas no longer holds that magical, endearing quality for me. The background music that is played at work seldom evokes those feelings of wonderment that used to pervade my mind and heart at sound of those memory-filled melodies. I could never understand it when, as a child, I would hear my mother complain about the approaching Christmas season and how she hated it.Back then it didn’t make sense to me how a time of such happiness could be looked down upon. As an adult, however, I now see why she would lament the coming of the season.
About 25 years ago I had the cool idea to make a Christmas Card in the form of an audio tape for my grandparents, who had just moved down to Florida. My intent was to get interviews and well-wishes from various family members on tape and intersperse them with Christmas songs. As well-intentioned as it was, by the time I got to recording greetings and then putting the music together it got to be a bigger project than I had envisioned. As I sat in my living room in Genesee, MI with dozens of Christmas albums surrounding me it dawned on me: “Why not just make a Christmas tape”? At that moment the project changed. I then went about programming a C-120 (120 minutes, 60 minutes per side) tape. I even wrote a list on my Commodore 64 to keep track of the tunes so that there weren’t too many vocals or instrumentals in a row, too many novelty songs, or the same song within the last 6 or so songs. It was a masterpiece.Since then I’ve duplicated that tape at least 50 times (and sometimes multiple copies for individuals) and it has become The Staple of my holiday listening.
Some people don’t call it Christmas until the first snow, until a certain tradition takes place, or a certain Christmas special airs on TV. For me, it’s the damn Christmas tape. But I can’t find that damn tape anywhere…and that’s having an affect on my enjoyment of Christmas.
The hype starts so early any more (around Halloween) that by the time Thanksgiving rolls around you’re tired of hearing about it. There are plans that need to be made and, as much as I’d like to, I am not always able to accommodate everyone. The logistics of trying to get all of the kids together and, at the same time, avoid an unpleasant confrontation with the custodial parent and their own self-serving agendas. (That’s where my wife comes in. She’s is great at organization and at calming the waters. Without her I wouldn’t be able to get along with ex’s as well as I do.)
Gone are the days when a certain song would invoke memories of Christmases past. Nowadays it’s the drudgery of having to get ready for Christmas that pile on the angst and the apprehension:
What if we don’t have enough money for gifts for everyone?
What if she doesn’t like what I got her?
What if we’re only able to get 2 of the kids instead of all 4 for the family get together?
When will we find time to get together with this side or that side of the family?
Will I be able to get enough time off of work?
How else can my wife’s sister piss off various family members?
When am I going to find the time to get gifts for my wife?
WHY CAN’T I FIND MY DAMN CHRISTMAS TAPE?
Aside from the kids and my wife I find it very hard to get enthused about Christmas any more. They’re all older now, so the excitement and the awe of Christmas morning isn’t what it used to be and has been replaced by “do we really have to get up before 10:00?”
Finding gifts for my wife is a very hard thing to do. She seldom expresses a need or desire for anything, so I have to be creative in trying to figure out what to get her. She “gets by” with what she already has better than any other person I know, so trying to figure out a gift for someone who seemingly needs nothing is damn difficult. I hate asking her for suggestions because it seems like I’m doing it because I can’t think of anything better, or that I don’t care enough to pay attention to things she may bring to my attention during the year that I, simply, don’t catch. I’m not much of a “read between the lines” kinda guy when it comes to this kind of stuff. (Her friend, Carrie, would find great fault in that, but fuck her. Were they to give titles for the things we’re best at she’d be the Patron Saint of Husband Bashing., followed by High Priestess of Judging Others.)
I guess what it boils down to is that a great deal of the “fun” of Christmas is no longer there and it’s now more of a chore than a time of enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong; I love spending time with friends and family…it’s just so much work and aggravation any more.
That, and I can’t find my damn Christmas tape.
